I have to confess that it almost impossible for me to go
into Target without even briefly meandering through their clothing section. And
yesterday was no different. I was in the dressing room when I heard this
monologue taking place in the dressing room beside me.
[Woman, exasperated and seemingly in tears]: Oh no, I can’t
believe this is happening. Ugh. Why,
why? Seriously, this is so depressing.
After a few seconds of wondering what the tragedy was that
someone was telling her over the phone, I found my answer (it shouldn’t have
even taken me that long): she was trying on clothes and they didn’t fit. A bit
overdramatic perhaps… but we have all been there.
Several minutes later as I paused to peruse another section,
I hear her again, on the other side of a display.
[Same woman, still exasperated, no tears, on the phone to a
loved one]: I am just depressed. I can’t believe I am this disgusting.
Seriously, why do I do this to myself? Why do I even eat? I am just gross.
At this point I was a little more taken aback for two
reasons.
One- Her 6 year old daughter was right next to her
(blissfully playing in and around the bras and panties- hopefully oblivious to
her mother’s self deprecating rants). It broke my heart to see the cycle once
again perpetuated of a young girl inheriting the toxic and self-loathing
messages of an “imperfect body” from older women in her life.
Two- the bigger issue that made me so uncomfortable was that
I recognized that the things she was saying about herself were so harsh, so unkind,
almost violent in a sense. And then it dawned on me…
She wasn’t saying anything out loud that I haven’t said a
hundred times before to myself, in the privacy of my own inner thoughts, after
walking out of a dressing room or standing in front of a mirror. But there was something about hearing it out
loud from someone else that was just shocking. I would never say these unkind
words to someone else, to someone I loved, and hearing them verbalized made me
realize just how toxic and violent these seemingly flippant words can be.
Brené Brown calls these shame voices- those little voices
inside our heads that tell us we aren’t “enough”; those inner dialogues that
break us down and keep us chained to the shame of feeling that we are lacking,
that there is always something more and better that we could be, that there is
a fatal flaw about our character, our body, our psyche that makes us un lovable
and unwanted. We all have them, although
mine probably sound different than yours do.
I have found that at times shame voices like to run rampant
in my head, as if on repeat and perhaps the only way to make them stop is to
verbalize them. To expose them for the unkind, harsh and terrible lies that
they are. When I verbalize my shame voices, when I say out loud to a trusted
loved one, through their eyes I see how unnecessarily harsh I am being with
myself. I am reminded that being a kind and gentle and loving person starts
with extending grace to your very own self, forgiving yourself, trusting at the
deepest level that you are loved beyond your faults and failures. That’s the
pesky thing about shame voices, or any of the lies that we believe about
ourselves. They gain power in silence. And perhaps the only way to diffuse
them, to expose them, is to listen to them out loud, or imagine saying them to
a loved one. My guess is that you wouldn’t be able to.
So to the woman at Target, I don’t know your name but I
heard you. I heard your shame voices (and mine) loud and clear. And if I could
go back I would probably tell you (and myself) that I think you are beautiful,
that you are enough. Regardless of size or shape or anything else. You are
loved beyond your ability to comprehend, and that starts by loving yourself. So
be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for being human and imperfect and embrace
the life you have before you.
Ps. Your daughter thinks you are beautiful too. And right now she just wants you to play hide
and seek with her in the clothing racks...
