"Above
all guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."- Proverbs 4:23
I
was recently reminded of this piece of wisdom from Proverbs. It took me
immediately back to my college days when I received well meaning dating advice
based on this verse. "Guard your heart. Don't go too fast. Hold your cards
close to your chest until you know where you stand and have the ever awkward
DTR, (defining the relationship) talk. (Oh, college...)
It
was well meaning advice. Really. And honestly it has served me well in many
moments- Don't waste your heart on people who have repeatedly shown you they
aren't worth your love or are only going to let you down. There is something to
be said for letting go, walking away and not repeatedly investing in something
or someone that is hurting you. Don't create false expectations. Recognize when
to walk away from something or someone that doesn't bring you life- all solid
life lessons that I have never been good at listening to and have usually had
to learn the hard way (over and over again...)
But
I also recognize that at times it becomes all to easy to hide behind those same
words. All too often when I am in the throes of having my heart broken
open, my tendency is to say, "That's it. I am done. This sucks. I am not
doing this again. From here on out I am going to play it safe. No more sailing
far from the shore. No more looking like a fool."
When
my ego gets bruised, it is really easy to shut down. For me, when it comes to
making the choice between fight or flight, between showing up again or
retreating into silence, guarding my heart can look a lot like flight. Shutting
down. Retreating. Fleeing from the discomfort of having your heart broken
open and choosing instead to form a protective and comfortable barrier around
it so that it won't happen again.
Recently
I was having a conversation with a dear soul friend of mine in Brazil and I
made a comment about needing to guard my heart. Her response, although not what
I expected, was just what I needed to hear. She simply replied, "Don't
guard it, you idiot. Use it!" (Can I get an amen for soul friends and
their honest wisdom?)
What
I was trying to pass off as sensible wisdom for a tidy and well kept (i.e.
comfortable) heart space, she revealed as the bs that is was- a spiritualized
attempt to play it safe. And it was then that I realized that guarding your
heart (in this sense) does nothing to make it stronger. Like any coach would
tell you, the only way to preserve your body and make it stronger, is by using
it. You lift weights to break the muscle fibers down so they will become
stronger and capable of doing more. And so it is in the very act of loving and
allowing or hearts to break open- to love, to experience the pain and
heartbreak of others, to risk loving someone who is different and who we have
been taught to fear, that our hearts become stronger and more capable of doing
what they were created to do. Guarding your heart can quickly become an easy
out. A comfortable place to hang out where we only love people just like us and
who we know have to love us back. That type of guarding your heart may feel
good and easy and comfortable. And it may even fool us into thinking we are
pretty good at loving others and being good Christians, but it will never
deepen your heart's capacity in the way that having your heart broken open
will.
So
as hard as it might be...
May
we choose to not guard our hearts.
May
we choose to use them.
When
it's foolish.
When
it seems pointless.
When
it feels risky.
Even
if it isn't reciprocated.
Because
that's who we are. That's who God created us to be for better or worse. Oh how
easy it would be to guard my heart. Wrap it up and protect it and keep it safe
and comfortable. I would save myself a lot of tears, a lot of pain, but I would
also save myself from the very thing that makes me human and reflects the
divine in me. As Josias, my therapist and friend in Brazil would say, I will
always choose the pain of love to the pain of the absence of love.
Here's
to letting our guards down…
