Perfectly Imperfect

Amazing. Exquisite. Magnificent. These are just some of the words that come to mind when I think of the athletic ability that I have seen portrayed in the past few weeks at the olympics. Every time I watch the incredible feats they accomplish with their bodies I immediately feel the urge to go to the gym (or at least go to the gym tomorrow). These are the moments in our lives where we recognize greatness for what it is and rightly so. However, I often wonder whether in the midst of admiring what we consider “the best” in others we don’t end up idolizing or idealizing the reality of others which was never meant to be our reality. I have grown up hearing the cliche Christian sayings about perfection (“God doesn’t call the equipped, but equips the called.” “I can do all things through God who strengthens me.” “God’s power is made perfect in our weakness.” etc. etc.) but yet I still feel like we are paying lip service to the extent to which God actually calls us to use our weakness, brokenness and inability to take part in the redeeming and beautiful work that is going on in the world. My perfectionist way of seeing the world tells me that the best person for the job should do the job. But once again, a gospel that says the last shall be first and the first shall be last, surprises us yet again by saying maybe it isn’t the most qualified person who is actually most qualified. Maybe it isn’t the most educated theologian who brings the deepest insights about God. Maybe it isn’t the smartest student who really gets it. Maybe it isn’t the person with years of experience who is being called to lead. 

As I continue to discern and process my time here in Brazil, I realize that much of my discernment comes from whether I feel competent or not. As I begin to ask questions of the future (which in and of itself is a sign that I need to allow myself to remain more in the present) and whether I feel a larger call to live and work here, I realize my answer changes day by day based on how “good” I am doing. How “good” is my portuguese today? How “well” am I navigating a different culture? How “good” am I at understanding things? How “good” am I at picking things up immediately and learning quickly? When I look at other people here who are clearly better than me at pretty much everything (and trust me it doesn’t take long to find them- they are everywhere) I think to myself- “I really should let someone else do this who is better than I am.” And sometimes that thought comforts me and sometimes it frustrates me and sometimes it scares me. Because the truth is, I know God has called me to this time and place. God has called me not because of my skills or perfection (that would be way too easy and comfortable) but specifically has called me to live into the uneasiness of a gospel which honors imperfection as much as the world honors and idolizes perfection. God calls us to use our wounds, and not necessarily our strengths, to become healers in this world. God calls us to use our whole self, perhaps even the most vulnerable parts, to participate in what God is up to in the world. I am reminded of an Anne Lamott quote, 

"Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it, and find out the truth about who you are.”

What is the truth about who we are? That we aren’t perfect. That we all have wounds. Deep wounds. And God is calling each one of us to be wounded healers of the world. The truth about who we are is that God’s call on our lives has less to do with us and more to do with God’s own imagination for the world and what is possible. The truth is God finds beauty in brokenness. I don’t know how exactly it works. I don’t know why my wounds and imperfections and uncomfortable places are the places where God seems to use me the most. I don’t know why God calls us to live into our imperfections and seems to call the most unqualified and unlikely of people. But I do know that it is the same God that tells us that the last shall be first, the poor will be blessed, the story isn’t over yet, things are not always as they seem, death leads to life and that God’s presence will never leave us. May this same God give us the courage to stop trying to look good and start living, tasting, and enjoying our place as perfectly imperfect characters in God’s story.