I am a pretty impatient person. I also tend to get caught up in the moment pretty easily. These are not good qualities to be mixed. Whenever I am facing a difficult situation, or any situation really, that requires action, movement, decisions, I tend to want immediate answers, and whatever answer I think it is, I tend to throw myself so fully into it that sometimes I end up throwing myself directly into a wall and hitting my head. And it hurts. But I must admit, I do this because I like control. If I have answers and act on those answers, then I am in control. I am moving forward, doing something, I am not running the risk of turning into my worst fear- lazy, motionless, static. If I suddenly feel like I don’t have control over something, I become fearful and try to do everything in my power to put myself back in control- and sometimes this leads me to extremes. I am going to cut out all diet soda, stop drinking caffeine, I am not going to have any contact with so and so, I am going to make sure I exercise every day, journal every day, etc. Whatever the decision is, I don’t like things to have control over me and if I can fool myself into thinking that I actually have control over a situation by going to extreme measures, then I can happily maintain my safe illusion which makes me comfortable and secure. I need to work a little bit on balance, as I have realized that this tendency towards one extreme or another is like a jacked up see-saw that catapults you into the air only to leave you crashing down to the earth. You may feel like you are in control when you get on, but in the end it only leaves you bruised and limping.
I have realized recently that this tendency towards extremism, paired with impatience, also plays a part in my wanting answers for my life. I want answers and I want them now. Sometimes I envy Moses for his burning bush (sounds pretty extreme to me). If only God would speak that clearly and directly to me. As I have recently been journaling more here in Brazil, I have also been going back to re-read old journals from years past. It is amazing to me how years can go by and I find myself asking God the same basic questions in life. “What do you want me to do God? How do I know if this is the right thing? Is this where you are leading me? God show me where you want me to go. I am scared. Tell me what to do.” And the most frustrating part is that I find God’s answers to be the same: “Trust me. Keep moving. Put one foot in front of the other. Love others the best you can, wherever you are. Never forget I am with you, always. Don’t be afraid.” These are the answers that I receive and I am left thinking “Sorry God, you must have misunderstood my question. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. Let me repeat. I want answers. I want to know specifics. Tell me.”
This morning I was reminded of this as I prayed and was asking God for specific direction and answers about something. I got frustrated as I received the same answers as above and then I was reminded of the story of Elijah. After he gets word that Jezebel wants to kill him, he flees for his life and heads into the wilderness. After one day he plops down and tells God, “that’s it. I am done. Take me now.” (A bit extreme? Maybe. But I can’t say I haven’t been there.) Elijah probably wanted answers. He probably wanted to know what to do, where to go and hide so that Jezebel wouldn’t find him. He probably would have appreciated some answers right about then, but instead he falls asleep (one of my own preferred mechanisms of dealing with things) and an angel wakes him up and says, “Get up and eat. For the journey is too much for you.” After he ate and drank, he continued on his journey for 40 days. Sometimes I feel like this is God’s response to my prayers. I ask a question looking for a specific answer and God’s response is, “Go to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.” I need to learn to be okay with these responses from God, because while they may seem like God is dodging the question, I think it cuts to the very heart of what it means to follow Jesus. In the midst of not having answers, get up. Keep moving. Keep following God. Keep enjoying the wild and crazy dance that is life. Keep journeying. Keep asking. Keep searching but don’t let your searching stop you from moving. Keep laughing. Keep crying. Keep loving others where you are and don’t worry about where you will or won’t be tomorrow. Keep living in the present moment trusting that tomorrow will take care of itself. Keep living with faith. Trusting that God’s presence, made manifest through the presence of many other wayward travelers, is all that you really need to make the journey worth living. You don’t have to be extreme. You don’t have to have all the answers. Just keep moving. And eventually you will look back and realize that the question you wanted answered could only actually be answered through time, through living and experiencing life, making mistakes, trial and error, through trying again, and again, and again... So God help me to be patient in the mean time. Help me to experience the fullness of the hear and now and relinquish control over the future. Help me to see the gifts that are right in front of me and not focus on the path that is not too clearly marked in front of me. One day I will find myself living into the answers of the questions that I ask you today, but for now, I am content to just keep living, just keep breathing, experiencing the humbling beauty of your grace.
"I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers.” Rainer Maria Rilke
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