Life Lessons

I have spent the last 30 days of my 20s reflecting on some of the lessons I have learned (and am still learning) in the first 30 years... Here goes:

#1 I have learned to trust my gut instinct/heart/female intuition/inner spirit (or Holy Spirit) because they have never once lied to me or led me astray, even when it takes me days/weeks/months to listen to them and realize they were right...

#2 Letting go, moving on, dealing with or getting over something (or someone) is a steady process and you should never get frustrated should you find that you aren’t as far along as you think you should be or want to be. One of life’s biggest lesson is learning to have grace with yourself, for we are all works in progress. If by the time you reach old age you have mastered this you will be way ahead of most people.

#2.5 There is almost NOTHING better in the world than seeing my father make up songs and dance around the room for me on skype, except seeing him make up songs and dance in front of the house for me in person. I hope one day to be able to do that for my children... He makes me remember that life is beautiful!

#3 Grace is much more comfortable idea than it is a lived reality. I think the vast majority of us would actually like to believe that we don’t really need grace- because we would rather believe that we have got it all together. But when you really feel grace as a reality, that there is nothing you did to be given the opportunity to live out your story, choose what you want to make of it, and that you are loved even when you have nothing to give back, it is both the most liberating and humbling experience you will ever have.

#4 Perhaps we struggle so deeply with self acceptance and believing in ourselves because we are constantly comparing all that we know about our insides with the little that we know from other people’s outsides. Nobody likes to show their fears and insecurities, but it doesn't mean they don't have them. Relax. You are in good company.

#5 Don't always let yourself get caught up in the emotion of a situation, especially when it comes to reacting or making decisions. Instead stay grounded in the truth of the situation- whatever it is that you know to be true for you when the chaos of emotion settles- which will usually be a little bit clearer.

#6 God really does have your back. Not like in a pretty picture of a sunset with a cheesy saying that gets posted to Facebook, or like that stupid cute picture of a cat hanging off a branch in a tree (that really is adorable). But in a serious, when you are running and fighting like hell, want to give up, don't know the end of the story and can't see where you are going kind of way. Just give it time. You will (possibly) have answers one day and even if you don't, you can still trust that it will be all right, even without your fretting, worry, planning and overanalyzing.

(I am totally lying- I have not learned this. But I am trying to. Every day I am actively trying to.)

#7 The best way to stop judging yourself so harshly is to stop judging others so harshly. Because you typically judge in others that which you secretly know is true but don't like about yourself.

#8 Change isn’t easy. Often times we lack the ability to imagine that our lives or situations could be different and so we find it easier and comfortable to stay the same or look back and idealize our past. We may know that our current situation isn’t what is best for us, and might even be significantly harmful to us, but it is, in the end, what we know. And that is comforting. And so we settle. But the moment that you dare to imagine or hope for a different future, a different ending to the story, (even if you have to go through some painful moments to get there and it takes a while to arrive) is the moment when you claim what you are worth and gain the courage and the strength to take the risk to really start living. 

“I know we can’t change the way the story started, but if we really want to, we can change the way the story ends.”- Elisa Lucinda

#9: Nobody is ever going to spend as much time starting at you as you spend staring at yourself in the mirror and if they do its because they like what they see, so relax and enjoy the body that God has given you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

(Actually still learning this one as well...)

#10 You never stop loving silently those you once loved out loud, although some people are better loved at a distance and through your prayers.

#11 One of the biggest barriers to life is letting go of expectations of how you thought life would be and allow yourself to be truly happy with how it actually is. After a certain amount of time we tend to remember only the good parts of situations and relationships and begin to idealize the past. Don’t let the false ideal of the past or the fear of the future stop you from living in the now, for its all your really have.

#12 People almost always come into your life for a reason, even if sometimes it isn’t for us to know why. If they happen to walk out of your life (as many characters in stories tend to do) trust that they served their purpose in your life (and you in theirs) even if you don’t know what it was, just as you trust food to nourish your body without necessarily understanding the mechanics of your digestive system. 

#13 Learning to live in the tension of unanswered questions and unresolved situations is one of the biggest challenges we will ever face. But if we courageously continue to face the questions, while learning to have grace with ourselves in the meantime, we will eventually find ourselves living the answers that we were searching for without even knowing we received them.

#14 There are times when you walk into situations with super high expectations and are let down. And there are other times you go into something against your will and they end up being experiences that mark your life and you will remember forever. You never know what kind of experience you are gonna get, but if you don´t try you will never know. And the frustration of having tried and been disappointed is usually less than the frustration of not having tried and missed out on something really amazing. Carpe Diem.

#15 You are loved beyond your ability to comprehend, even when you don’t feel like it. Those who love you best are the ones who anchor you and remind you who you are when you tend to forget. The ones who give you roots to hold onto but give you space to grow. The ones who encourage you to fly as high and long as you can but are the safe place to come home to when you are in need of a rest. The ones who can take a beating from you and allow you to be your ugliest self and still find you beautiful and worth loving. If you can find these people in your life, hang on to them as long as you can.

Thank you for being these people for me :)

# 16 You have no control over what people think of you, whether they verbalize it or not. The only thing you can do is live into your truth and trust that who you are and your ability to love and be loved is dependent not on the thoughts or opinions of others but on that which lies inside of you.

#17 Sometimes surpassing your limits, going too far, and making mistakes is the only way to truly learn a lesson and know for sure that that road, that opportunity, that situation, that person really wasn’t meant to be. If you play it safe all the time, and always do what you think you should do, you will inevitably wonder what if and doubt yourself. Be grateful for every mistake and lesson learned that taught you who you don't want to be and keep on walking towards who you do want to be.

#18 Every form of love is worth it and every act of love is a heroic endeavor. Loving deeply with your whole heart is the biggest blessing and the biggest curse that you could ever receive. But at the end of the day it is better to suffer for love than for lack of love. 

#19 There are two ways that you can know things in life- with your head and with your heart. The problem is, we typically know things with our heads first but don’t really live into or act out of that knowledge until it arrives in our hearts (and even once it gets there, it doesn’t always stay put). And unfortunately, the 12 inches it takes to get from your head to your heart is often times the longest journey you will ever take. 

#20 At times we confuse being in love with the idea of something or someone with actually being in love with them. It doesn’t help that fairy tales (that have shaped us since childhood), romantic comedies and perfect endings fuel our passion for the idea of being in love with someone while leaving us devoid of what the reality of day to day love actually looks like (which is so much harder and so much better than any movie could ever portray). So we go around searching for perfection, devoid of problems, and idealizing past relationships (or chapters in our life) once we can’t remember (or choose to minimize) why that relationship didn’t work, or that situation had to change. At times we long to go back instead of moving forward. Or we choose to stay put until we find a reality that matches our fantasy. The problem is, few people ever succeded in moving forward by looking back. And you can’t live life if you are constantly dreaming. So allow yourself to accept and be content with wherever you are, let go of past illusions that don’t serve you anymore, and let whatever discontent you feel motivate you and give you the strength to change what needs to be changed and move forward. 

#21 Two of the most important truths I have ever known were engrained in me from my Grammy (who would have been 102 today):

1.) We are all God’s perfect children. 

2.) Perfect love casts out fear. 

Whenever I get overwhelmed in life I think of Grammy and all that she accomplished, overcame, and lived in her (short) 88 years. She was a faithful and loving woman who read her bible daily, kept an open mind that was far ahead of her time for a woman, but also had a wild side that she would roll over in her grave if she knew we knew about (wonder where I get it from?) In moments of doubt, worry, or pain I find myself asking, “if I have the good grace to live to be 88, what am I going to remember about this situation that I am in? Is it going to be as life-altering or as important as it seems right now? Am I still going to be worried about it?” Probably not. So I stop. And I take a breath. And I remember number 1 and 2 above. And I keep on living, and laughing and singing and dancing. Because that’s what Grammy taught me that life was all about. Pretty smart woman if you ask me. 

#22 Our primary job as both humans (and christians) is to sow seeds of extravagant grace and love. At times it is not always our job to judge the viability of the soil where we sow. We don't sow seeds of love and grace only in places where we see the likelihood of good returns (we will be loved back, people will applaud out efforts, etc. ) We sow seeds of love because it's who we are. We love because God first loved us. Because that's the image in which we were made.  It's good to plan and think ahead and organize your resources, but don't let planning get in the way of the little ways that you can sow wild and extravagant grace every day- even if it gets you nothing in return. 

(caveat: when I say love even though you aren't guaranteed to be loved in return- one of the most important ways to sow seeds of grace and love for yourself is learning to walk away from a situation that is harmful or one-sided. Knowing you are made in God's image gives us the courage and the strength to know when that time is right...)

#23 There are no short cuts in life, and if there are, you are generally only cheating yourself. You have to trust in the process and follow the path, even when God sometimes seems to take you in the exact opposite direction of where you want to be going. You will get to your goal eventually and even if you don’t its about the journey, not the destination (some cliché sayings are actually true). Very few things in life that are easy are worth it. So do the work. Trust the (slow) process. And enjoy the journey.

#24 When you really love someone, you become capable of doing some amazing, unbelievable, crazy, and even really stupid things. You open yourself up to new experiences because they matter to the one(s) you love and find yourself caring about things you didn't know you cared about before. 

Watching my parents open themselves up to Brazil in this time that they have been here has been a gift of grace to me. They may not fall in love with the country as I did (and I don't expect them to) but because they love me they have: toured a favela, tried ALL sorts of Brazilian cuisine, ridden on a 7 hour overnight bus ride, gotten on metros and buses in unknown cities, and trusted me to take care of them when they don't know the language. If that's not true love, I don't know what is...

#25 It is not easy walking in two very different worlds, leaving parts of your heart in each, so that there is always a small part of you missing wherever you are. But even if you don’t live bi-continentally, everyone walks in different worlds that are hard to unite, whether because of various family dynamics, groups of friends, job itinerancy, etc. Sometimes the worlds are easy to bring together and sometimes they aren’t. But I have learned to give thanks for each and every thing that my different worlds have given me. For the ways in which together, they all make me who I am and have helped me write my beautiful, chaotic, crazy, abundant story. Living with a divided heart means learning to love some people face to face while loving others via photos, telephone, skype and even memories once they are gone. And so instead of focusing on the absence of loved ones that are far away (or have already passed away), I focus on the ways I can continue to love them from where I am, because regardless of where you are at any given moment, the human heart is capable of containing an overflowing abundance of love that transcends time and place. 

# 26: Sometimes believing in hope against all odds can be a really beautiful thing. And sometimes it can cause you heartache when you find yourself expecting situations and people to change that never will. Some may even call you idealistic or naive for believing or hoping that people or situations (or institutions) can actually change. Sometimes hope means learning when to walk away for good and find hope in something else. And sometimes hope, in the short term, can seem to leave us disappointed. But I will continue to believe that it is better to be disappointed by hope in the short term than disappointed by cynicism, distrust and isolation in the long term.

#27 One of the biggest gifts you can receive and give in life is the gift of a non-judgmental listening ear. We all have our opinions and these tend to be intensified when dealing with people we love. But the more you let someone know that you don’t agree with their actions, choices, etc. the harder it becomes for that person to open up to you with what they are struggling with. And struggling alone doesn’t do anyone any good- it only makes it worse. Of course there is a moment for hard truths in life, when we have to hear difficult words in order for us to make a change. But I have found that 9 times out of 10 we already know what we need to do, know what situations aren’t good for us, when we need to let go and move on or make changes, and we simply need someone to be walk beside us and be patiently non judgmental with us as we live life, make mistakes, and eventually, succeed in doing what we know we need to do. 

#28 There are certain moments in life, when words just will not suffice to express all of the emotion that you contain within your spirit and soul. And yet we try to use whatever words we can find because there is a deep need within us to express that which touches us most deeply- falling in love, seeing the birth of your first child, experiencing the loss of someone you love, or even experiencing the overflowing and overwhelming abundance of love when you see the people you love most gathered to celebrate you. We use words because we have been taught that words are the best way to communicate, but if there is one thing that I have learned from falling in love in every sense of the word with another country, another language it is that words can fail. Words are not always sufficient. And words are not always the best way to communicate to others all the love that you contain in your heart for them. You can try your best, but there comes a moment when you just have to let go and trust that the ones you love most know the depth with which you love, even when you can't find the right words to express it. You have to trust that the deepest places of your heart that can be touched are far beyond the reach of mere words...no matter how hard you try.

#29 Whenever faced with a difficult or unpleasant task (whether it is something you should do and don’t want to or something you shouldn’t do and you want to), it is always easier to focus on how you are feeling in the present moment than how you will feel after you have (or have not) done whatever it is. Instead of focusing on how much you don’t (or do) want to do whatever it is, ask yourself, “Am I going to feel better or worse afterward?” If the answer is better, put away the excuses, buck up and get to work. If the answer is worse- put away the excuses, buck up and resist temptation. It is better to have a short period of discomfort or pain on the road to success, accomplishment and becoming wiser and more mature, than to have a ton of good feelings on the way to self destruction. In other words, we all have impulses in life- we just have to learn when to give in and when to wait out the storm.

#30 I have a lot to learn. I am a work in progress. I am not finished yet. I am just beginning. I am not perfect- not even close (no matter how much I try to show people I am). I have huge insecurities that few have seen. I make mistakes. Some I learn from. Some I don’t. I have received great insights only to forget them and have to be reminded. I have loved deeply and passionately. I have hurt and been hurt. I have risked and succeeded. I have risked and failed. I have moved in faith and have been paralized by doubt. I have been idealistically hopeful and I have failed to dream big enough because of my realism. I have looked toward the future and let myself stay stuck in the past. I have experienced the unspeakable joy and overwhelming frustration that comes from living in two worlds, that comes from leaving your nets at the shore and following Jesus to unknown lands. I have been overwhelmed by the love and grace that I have experienced in life and I (hope) I have been able to return that feeling to others. I have cried and laughed and danced and sang until I had nothing left in me.  And yet I hope to do it again and again and again, for I know the best is yet to come. I know that the story isn’t over yet and for that reason and that reason alone I will continue to dance.