This has been an overwhelming week
for sure. Tuesday night was the culmination of an 8-year journey for me in
becoming an ordained deacon in the United Methodist Church. I don’t think I
will ever be able to put into words what it meant to see so many faces that
have been part of my journey, all in one place, all hugging me at once. While I
have never doubted the love that I share with those closest to me in my life,
there is still a big part of me that is surprised and amazed when people
actually show up for me. Not because I don’t trust that they will, but because,
at the end of the day, it’s just kind of an amazing thing to have people love
you that much. It’s not something that I think I will ever get used to. And
like grace, even though I will never fully understand it, I will just have to
allow myself to feel it, as overwhelming as it may be.
There is a tradition at ordination
services in the UMC that when someone is ordained or commissioned, all those
who know and love the person are asked to silently stand at their seat in
support of them. I have always been amazed by this at other ordination
services. I always felt proud to stand for my friends. I always loved looking
around the room and imagining the stories that each person shared with the
person kneeling before the Bishop. And here is the amazing thing about this. No
matter who is present in that huge room. No matter how many (or how few) people
stand up to support their loved one, the one being ordained or commissioned
doesn’t get to see them, because their backs are facing the congregation.
Before my service I asked more than one person to take a video of the room when
I went up. I really wanted to see all the people who stood up for me. I really
wanted to know who was there, to capture the sacredness of that moment. And at
the end of the night, every person who I had asked had not been able to catch
it on film.
And that’s when I realized. It must
not have been for me to see. I didn’t need to see each and every person
standing behind me to feel the power of that moment. Whether I saw them or not,
they were there, silently cheering for me, praying for me, celebrating with me,
and even crying with me. And as I have
gotten messages and calls from people in the days since letting me know how
much they enjoyed the service, I have been amazed at how many people I had no
idea were there. How many people had to duck out before seeing me but were
standing with me nonetheless. And then this scripture came to mind…
“Therefore,
since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off
everything that hinders …. and let us run with perseverance the race marked out
for us…” (Hebrews 12:1)
How often do we face situations where we feel
totally alone, and yet if we stopped to really look around, we would see that
there is more love than we know what to do with all around us? How many times
do we feel that God isn’t moving because we can’t see or feel anything changing
and yet when we look back over the years we suddenly realize God was working
all along and we are no longer the people we once were? There is a beauty in
the mystery of not seeing it all at once but knowing it is there. There is
something sacred about allowing yourself to simply trust and be overwhelmed at
the mystery. And as I allowed myself to be touched by that sacred and precious
moment, I also did my best to bottle it up and lock it away for the inevitable
day when I want to give up. When things get hard and I question if this was all
worth it. When I wonder if I am making a damn bit of difference or am just
fooling myself. When I have been able to convince myself that God has stopped
moving or has lost hope in me. Those are the days when I will need to remember
that even if I am unaware, there is a sacred presence all around me, holding
me, sustaining me, and filling me with life. That while there are many things I
am not meant to see or understand, it doesn’t mean that God isn’t dancing all
around me and inviting me to join in.
May
we all find moments to behold that sacred presence… May we all learn to trust
beyond what the eyes can see... May we all be continually overwhelmed by the mystery
of the grace of God…
Beautiful. Cousin Kim.
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